Are “strong” people, really “strong"?

“You are strong”. 

“You can handle anything”.

“You don’t need anything or anybody”.

Ever heard any of these statements?

Ever said any of these to anybody you know?

If yes, please read on.

I am one of those who have these statements, several times, being said by different people and on different occasions. And it got me thinking.

Is it true?

Am I strong?

Simple answer.

No.

I am not strong and most who are termed “strong” are not either. We are just as emotional, just as sensitive and just as vulnerable as anybody else. Infact perhaps more so. Why?

Because like the famous idiom: “The crying baby gets the milk.” Or “The squeaky wheel gets the grease”. The ones who are termed “Strong” do not cry out, do not reach out, do not ask for help. And so, they don’t get the help that they might need. They instead stew deep within and grapple with their demons and their problems and their emotional hurt, all on their own. You could be sitting right next to them and you wouldn't know when they are breaking within, or a tear is rolling down their face. They have become adept at hiding their grief and their pain, they have mastered the art of screaming within their souls without so much as pip-squeak escaping their lips. They would have a smile plastered on their face; they will go through all the motions of being perfectly ok, happy even! But deep within they might be breaking a little by little.

“Strong” is a façade that they have carefully built. The emotions they experience are just as deep and sometimes much more hurtful cause they keep it within, deeply buried.

It is important to understand how and when these facades were built. Cause when we understand something we can help, those who need it and when they need it.

I can tell you from personal experience and from interacting with several others, in my capacity as a Counselling Psychologist, that these facades were not built overnight. Nobody is born “strong”. They have needed to build these defenses to keep themselves from being further hurt.

Most often than not, these facades were built because they had no choice. Circumstances did not allow them to be vulnerable, to feel sad for themselves, to grieve, to cry, to express their sadness or their grief and their pain stayed buried. They have had to pick up the pieces and move on. All on their own steam. The reasons could be plenty - nobody around who cared enough to wipe away their tears, they didn’t want to hurt others, self-respect that forbade them from breaking down in front of others, life beating down on their doors and not according them the time and space to grieve…etc etc. When you see a “strong” person or interact with them, understand this – the toughest steel goes through the harshest of fires. Ask yourselves – what made them strong? What demons or ‘valleys of death’ have they had to fight or crawl through to get here? Cause I can tell you with certainty. None of us were born “strong”. So, look a little deeper and you will see the pain and hurt that lurks there.

Why is it important to understand this?

Because:

Between 2020 and 2021, too, there was a 7.1 per cent increase. In 2021, 1.64 lakh people took their own lives, according to the NCRB. The suicide rate jumped to 11.3 in 2020 and was at a record high at 12 in 2021. According to the WHO estimates, India has the 41 ^st highest suicide rate globally, as of 2019.

(Source: https://www.thehindubusinessline.com/data-stories/deep-dive/is-economic-distress-causing-a-spike-in-suicide-deaths-in-india/article66635113.ece)

 

The National Mental Health Survey (NMHS) 2015–16 found that almost 80% of those suffering from mental illnesses did not receive treatment for more than a year. The Indian government has been criticized by the media for its mental health care system, which is linked to the high suicide rate. (Source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Suicide_in_India#:~:text=Mental%20illness,-A%20large%20proportion&text=The%20National%20Mental%20Health%20Survey,to%20the%20high%20suicide%20rate.)

The people who need help do not get it. simply because they won’t ask for it and because people around them do not see the signs.

So, if you know someone “strong”, and if you care for them – as a relative, as a family member, as a

Fort Aguada Jail, Goa

friend, as a partner, as a colleague, as a parent, as a child, – take the time to look a little deeper. And remember, they are “strong” they have taken the effort to build that façade they won’t come to you asking for help…the signs are not visible. Hence, the best way to help them is to spend time with them, allow them to open up to you, give them the space to do so. This will take time. And in that time show real concern and real care. Allow them to feel safe and secure opening up to you. Honour their trust and never let it be broken – cause that fort they built which now is their prison, was built brick by brick, with instances of people and events that let them down – in more ways than one. Don’t assume that a “strong” person has it all figured out. Understand that they are just as human as you. And hurt just as deep as you. So, if they are not bringing their problems to you – and you happen to be one of their ‘inner-circle”, don’t assume that all is well. It seldom is.